...

" Geez man, how come you're always so calm?"

" How come you're not stressed out when you should be? "

" How can you always be so carefree and relaxed when things get tense? "

I wish people would stop assuming that just from the look on my face. Sure facial expressions are one thing but I wonder if anyone has ever delved any deeper into my true emotions and thoughts. This facade I'm playing and this visage I'm portraying, is it that hard to see through? This automatically sets the notion that I rarely have problems and that I need little to no help in cleaning them up. As if. I probably, no, definitely, have more trouble solving my own setbacks than you do with yours.

I know I've had help in the past and I've betrayed those people. To this day I still regret it and it comes to mind every so often. Every time I look back at it, I just lose focus on everything in the present. I've learned now. I honestly have. Some of you may not believe and if it is so then I don't blame you. Your choice and I respect your decision. I have nothing left to prove to you anyway.

And I know some more of you conversed this to your friends. Who doesn't talk smack about someone else? Purity only exists in nothingness.

If I must continue this for the rest of my life then let it be. There's so much wrong I've done to myself to last me a lifetime. I fear I will never ascertain myself, by myself.

Cooold.

Visiting the cousins in San Ramon tomorrow. Going to be a rainy day too, I'm kinda glad I'm not driving. The rain-slick roads and bitter, pounding drops of dirty, unfiltered water on the windshield combine to produce quite an ugly sight. I don't mind driving in such weather but if someone else has already been assigned the role, I'll take the passenger seat with little to no hesitation. I'm just afraid my inability to properly gauge distances and speed will wreck me even more-so in the rain.

L&L BBQ isn't too bad. Got lunch there with Val after meeting up with her at Indy for her sister's K-club dance practice (I swear, there's this one Asian freshman there who strongly resembles Nancy Jade's younger brother, Kevin. Personality wasn't too far off either. ~_~. ). I'mma try their BBQ beef next time. I got chicken katsu on my first visit. WAS going to get froyo at Yogurt Twist with her but the weather got really cold in a jiffy. I think I'm getting addicted to that stuff now. Darn you! The tart creaminess of the yogurt in cahoots with the endless, savory sweet toppings create such an awesome explosion of flavor in my mouth that it can only be supplemented with additional spoonfuls of the stuff. You can arbitrarily buy the rich treat and not feel guilty because it's healthy as well! My rather detailed description is less convincing on that part but believe me, it can CURE sickness. Full of good bacteria and enzymes to fight off those horrid and maleficent colds and coughs. Hey, you'll be fat but at least you'll be healthy :D. Kudos to Val for this info.


I should be sleeping early but fuck that. Old habits die hard.

Classics.

Spent most of my lai si money on clothing and shoes. Got a fresh pair of black 'n grey vans along with two shirts, one of which is MUSE. Totally awesome. Now I have a LP AND Muse shirt. Band shirts are the shit :D.

Also bought some socks since my brother keeps stealing mine D:< . Vans socks are pretty comfortable lol. This time I'mma safeguard them. He doesn't deserve them. He didn't even give me lai si. Not that I'm being greedy but it's tradition/customs. He's being hella stingy for some godforsaken reason. Gambling perhaps. Idiot.

Weight lifting has been beneficial :). I actually feel the results. So much improvement lol. Gotta start doing other lifting exercises though. Oscar's new residence has a clubhouse/gym. Beginning this weekend, I'm going to head there every Friday and/or Saturday with him and his brother. I wanna try benching and I need to run on the treadmill. Commitment = Excellence.

Party hardy pt.2?

New Year's party was cool. Good food and good music. LOTS of dancing lol. Sam's roommate Annie is quite the party girl. Her energy is boundless and endless. Wherever she went, she was bumpin' and groovin'. Phew. I don't think many people can keep up with her. She told me when I finally turn 21 (In a month or so.), she's gonna take me out to go clubbin'. Get me some night in my life. Totally fine with that, ain't nothing like a good time lol, especially for my 21st b-day. I had already planned to do that anyway but had no idea who to go with. Now I know. FYI, she is much, much older than me and is a single mom so don't get any funny ideas.

Tommy got super wasted and fell on his ass a couple times. Took an eternity just to get him to the car which was parked quite a ways. He even dropped onto the pavement and nearly fell asleep. Halfway home, he started throwing up. As usual, it went all over his jacket and my passenger seat. I'm glad it didn't stink like it normally does :\. We get home but he's still not sobered up so I let him sit there for a good half-hour. He blows a few more chunks and mumbles gibberish until he finally gets up and I help him to his room to lay him on his bed. Took his dirty jacket, scrubbed it clean, rinsed it and let it soak in water. Sigh. This is one of the reasons why I choose not to drink. Nonetheless, as much as he is an ass sometimes, he's still family and no one loves you more than family. I'm also pretty glad he didn't barf all over me D:

Now THAT would have been inexcusable.

LOL. Just kidding.

Happy Chinese New Year!!

Gung Hay Fat Choy! Sun Nian Fai Lok! Sen Jong Lik Kien!

Translated: Best regards and hope that you will have good luck, here's to a Happy New Year and may you always remain healthy and ill-free. :D.

Let the red envelopes roll in! I already got $70 so far and that's from my own family. I see a whole lot more coming my way soon. I think I've reached the age where I also have to start giving out. Lol. Time flies ~_~.

BBQ at brother's house later on today. Mm. I just love BBQ. Especially ones my brother hosts. That beef he cooks is sooooo tasty. Must. Learn. To. Finally. Live. Up. To. My. Name. D:

SAINTS.

Watched the Super Bowl today at friend's house. Hella food and shiz lol. I pigged out a little :D. Those shrimp cocktails were the booombb. Everyone was making bets but I opted out because I never bet and I needed to save my moneys :\. I could have made some bank if I did though. Saints TOOK that shit haha. I had a gut feeling that they would. The int. sealed the deal. The whole house was roaring after that int. TD return, well, except for the Colts fans heh. Two of the guys bet if their team won, the other guy has to wear a dress for the rest of the night. Man, they were clowning on his ass the whole time, snapping hella pics and throwing dollah bills. I almost felt sorry for the guy. Football is probably the only thing that can make a grown man weep in sorrow. Scaryy. My first Super Bowl party and it was pretty darn fun :). I'm glad I decided to go.


My financial aid check came in earlier than I expected. What I mean by that is, my mom kept the check when she went to get the mail and didn't bother letting me know until three days later. She kept telling me to take her to the bank and when I asked why, she said she needed to deposit some stuff. I asked why AGAIN and she still said, "some stuff". Lol I knew something was fishy but I didn't think Mom would ever pull something like that, especially since she's always saying she's genuine. There's always a first time for everything I guess. Anyways, cashed it and gave $440 to her and kept the rest for myself for books and w/e else. Got two pairs of jeans and a hoodie that I've been eying since forever. Was tempted to buy a Muse shirt but decided the hoodie was more important :D. Now the rest for books, car registration, phone bill and food. Hopefully I can make it last through the semester.

BLEH.

God damn it, I just hate it when I see a friend suffering the same way I've had and not being able to pick herself back up. I hate myself equally as much for not being able to stop her from doing what she has resorted to. I have EXPERIENCE, why can't I fucking use it?


I love to care for others. It's just how I am. There's not one day where I don't worry about someone else. (NO, Zemmi does not count. Not anymore.) I can't change it no matter how much I want to. They say when you worry about others, you take their pain and compound it with your own. They also say pain is a measure of strength. In that case, I get stronger emotionally. Yeah. I grow a bit every time I help someone. I guess it's the only real way for me to learn anything in this world.